You Can't Fight 'Not-enoughness' with 'More'

After being rejected to speak at several conferences, I wondered: Why is it so important to me? The answer: a deep sense of not-enoughness that I try to overcome by pushing harder and harder to accomplish more and more.

Speaking at more conferences, getting more likes on social media posts, earning more money, you name it. But no matter what I do and achieve, it’s like drinking salt water when you’re thirsty; the thirst is never quenched.

You can’t fight not-enoughness with more

Yes, the feeling of never being enough served me as an effective motivator to do more and become better. But in the end, it always comes and stabs me in the back, only the stick, no carrot. It isn’t sustainable.

When driven by a sense of lack, being invited to speak at a prestigious conference feels great only for a brief period. After an initial high, the not-enoughness strikes back:

“You are not good enough to share a stage with all those truly great developers. Sooner or later, they’ll find out!”

Every rejection serves as proof, while each invitation is another chance to be found out.

How to overcome not-enoughness?

Instead of being driven by a sense of lack and the desire to prove myself, I want to be curious and in service of others. I want to internalize what I already know on an intellectual level but can’t feel yet: my worth (and the worth of others) is inherent to each human being and independent from our achievements.

I want to learn and explore things because I’m curious, not because I need to prove to myself and others that I’m worthy. I want to share what I learn on my blog, on social media, or at conferences because I’m excited about what I’ve discovered and want to let others participate in my excitement. And I want to interact with people because I’m curious to learn what drives them instead of focusing on how good I am relative to others.

What drives you - the need to prove yourself or genuine curiosity and the desire to serve others?